


Hey Asshole

by heywhat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, swearing obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 05:39:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2640104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heywhat/pseuds/heywhat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What if a pigeon choked on that wrapper, all because you couldn’t bother to pick it up?”<br/>“Oh damn, you’re right, lord knows we don’t have enough of those in New York, huh?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hey Asshole

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DigitalDaydreamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigitalDaydreamer/gifts).



> wrote this for my pal carol!! she knows why omg...... sry bby ily i hope you like it!!

As she sat on a wooden bench carved with various profanities, Jade Harley read her book and sipped her water, breathing in the fresh autumn air. She had always preferred to be outside - flowers dancing in the soft breeze, her toes curling into the grass and soil, trees mimicking her with their roots; that was her element. But she hadn’t been able to do that much since she had moved to New York. You can’t really curl your toes into solid tar, and if the flowers were dancing because of any breeze it was the breeze caused by New Yorkers as they hurried passed anything and everything in the hustle and bustle of the busy city. Being here was pretty different compared to how it was in her small hometown.

She wondered how things were at home. She had thought about it quite a lot since coming here. She didn’t feel particularly homesick, but she certainly felt some kind of home-… home- _something_. She missed it, but this, where she was right now, was new and exciting. She hadn’t planned on going back just yet.

The young girl’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of packaging being stepped on as it lay on the floor, helpless under some guy’s sneaker. She looked up to see the abomination right before her eyes, as well as a man in a red shirt walking away. She frowned. “Hey, asshole!”

He turned around and saw her there, raising his eyebrows. “Me?”

“Yes, you!” She stood up, doggy-earing her page as she closed the book and walked up to him, clearly irritated with his actions. Unfortunately for her, it’s a little hard to be intimidating when you’re 5’3”. Especially when the person you’re trying to intimidate is 6’2”. “You just dropped that wrapper on the floor when the trash is right there!” She pointed to the trashcan before folding her arms, and giving him a look that ensured him of how stubborn she was. “Pick it up.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Mhm! Ever heard of global warming?”

“Yeah, it’s bullshit.” He almost laughed at her.

She huffed, looking up at him. “It is _not_ bullshit! Even if it was, what if a pigeon choked on that wrapper, all because you couldn’t bother to pick it up?”

“Oh damn, you’re right, lord knows we don’t have enough of those in New York, huh?” he said sarcastically, subtle amusement taking over his expression.

Jade fumed. Who the hell did this guy think he was? “That’s not the point!”

He looked down at the wrapper on the floor, then at her. “Tell you what. I’ll pick it up, under one condition.”

She folded her arms again, raising an untamed brow. “And what is that?”

“You go out with me.”

What? “What?” _What?_

“I said, go out with me, and I’ll pick up the wrapper.” he said, hands in his pockets.

Her baffled state delayed her sentence as her expression read _‘are you kidding me?’_. “Wh- I- No!”

He looked up at the sky. “Well, I _could_ walk away without picking it up and leave the dirty work to you,” He focused on her again. “But you probably wouldn’t want to do it as like, a principal thing. You seem like the type to be big on those.” She rolled her eyes as he continued. “But man, just think of all the poor lil’ pigeons who’d die thanks to all the Starbucks to-go cups and Snickers wrappers I’ve covered this cruel city with. All could be avoided if you let me buy you a coffee.”

She put her hands on her hips. “And why would I want to go out with a lazy pigeon killer who eats bad food and wears douchey shades?”

“I dunno, cus I’m tall, and good-looking, and maybe you kinda like my douchey shades?”

She grunted. He was right though, as if she’d ever admit that. She did like tall boys. And good-looking boys.

“You’re an ass.” she deadpanned.

“So,” He smirked. “That’s a yes then?”

She didn’t reply; she simply folded her arms and stuck her nose up in a different direction than his.

“C’mon. You can tell me all about global warming and pigeons and,” His hand reached for her book and he tilted it just enough to see what it was called. “Looking for Alaska…” He looked at her, an eyebrow raised again. She was getting tired of this eyebrow raising nonsense. “John Green? Really?”

She snatched her book back. “It’s interesting!”

“It’s contrived.”

“You’re contrived!”

“You’re loud.”

“So why do you want to go out with me then?”

“I dunno. ‘Cus I piss you off. And you’re fun to argue with. You’re also kinda cute. You know, if you lost the nerdy Potter glasses.”

She touched the frames defensively. “They’re prescription. What’s your excuse, hm?”

“Oh, these?” He tapped his shades. “Yeah I’m actually a secret agent. See if I press this here button,” he tapped the left side of the black frame. “I can access every detail of information about any visible target.” He looked over at a squirrel. “That squirrel over there? Works for the CIA. Got a wife and two kids, but a male lover on the side.”

She looked at him, trying not to smile, but failing.

“That dove has a secret, see?” He focussed on it. “It’s in love, but has to keep it on the down-low. Its parents would never approve of her dating a…” He looked at Jade. “Woodpecker.”

She couldn’t help but giggle, finding his jokes pretty dumb but he was kinda cute when he delivered them. He certainly had no troubles finding her laughter cute, that was for sure.

“So, what do you say I take you out for pizza and you can tell me all about John Green and his totally _not_ contrived plots and his _completely_ original characters, hm?”

She looked at the blond for a second, thinking. “Fine. But I have a condition too.”

“What is it?”

“You have to read the book.” She pressed the copy to his chest.

He raised that eyebrow again. Enough with the eyebrow raising! “What? No.”

“Yes.”

“Why the hell would I waste my time on a book with a target audience of thirteen to seventeen year old girls when I’ve got a bathroom full of bottle labels to read while taking my morning dump?” he said, charming as ever.

She grinned, book still pressed to his body. “Because like you said, I’m kinda cute, and fun to argue with.”

He took the book after looking at her for a second or two, glancing at the cover. “ _’The electric debut of award-winning author, John Green.’_ ” He gave her a look that said, _‘you’re shitting me’_.

“Just read it, then give me a call.” She said, taking a pen out of her bag and writing her number down on his hand.

“Isn’t this what happened in the one where they all got sick and died? Look, you’re hot but I’m not gettin’ rectal cancer for you.”

“I don’t think anyone in that movie had rectal cancer.” She put the pen away, leaving the ink on his hand to dry.

“Really? That would’ve made it so much better.” he said, looking at the sequence of numbers on his hand, reading it in his mind. He liked the pattern.

She rolled her eyes with a little smile and put her pen away. “Goodbye, Sir.”

“Sir? Kinky. I like it.”

She laughed and started walking away, shaking her head. “Just don’t steal my book!”

“Because I’ve shown so much interest in it so far?” he called after her.

She turned around for a second to squint at him, smiling just a little.

“I don’t even know your name!”

“Then read the book and find out!”

She turned back to walk towards the subway entrance, and even though she wasn’t all too close to him anymore, she could hear the sound of a wrapper being balled up and thrown in the trash as a pigeon flew by.


End file.
